Since Midnight & Bastian died I have come to dread those moments in the night when I am left alone with only my thoughts to keep me company. Over the past few weeks, during work or time spent with Nick, I have noticed that I'm slowly regaining my personality, sense of humor and attitude toward daily activities...but at night, before sleep comes, all I can think about are the pups. Initially, I feared I wasn't a good mommy to the pups - then I began relive the horror and sadness that came with taking both Midnight & Bastian to the vet for the last time.
It's been taking me longer than usual to fall asleep at night. My thoughts make me sad, and keep me awake. Once I do fall asleep, I tend to have fitfull dreams and sleep much longer than I need to. This is not uncommon for me when I am depressed, but it doesn't seem to help me at all. Nick falls asleep an hour or two before I do (though we lay down at the same time), and he wakes up a couple hours before I do. I miss out on spending time with him because I'm in my depression coma. I don't enjoy hibernating as much as it would appear I do, but I can't seem to break the cycle. Perhaps tonight/this morning will change things. Nick went to bed 5 hours ago, and I'm still awake. I may stay up through until tonight (after work)...I'm not sure. It's 6:40am and I'm still not sleepy.
It took us nearly three weeks to remove their food and water bowls from their usual spot on the kitchen floor. They sat there as a reminder, with the same amount of food and water as the last time we'd filled them. I had gathered up Midnight & Bastian's favorite things and put them in a memory box with their names and the dates of their deaths written inside the lid. And I have yet to mop the floors...there are still some dull spots on the tile where Bastian had marked his territory, and there will always been Midnight hair in every nook and crany of this place. The couch, which was more theirs than ours, remains in the living room. We plan on getting a new couch soon.
Without Midnight & Bastian, our 2-bedroom duplext seems big and empty. Initially, I wanted to stay here as long as we could because it reminded me of the pups (I craved continuity after our sudden loss)...but the more Nick and I talk about it, the more we realize we got this place specifically so we could have Midnight & Bastian live with us, and without them it doesn't seem right to stay. The neighborhood has gone down-hill significantly since we moved in, and maybe a change would help bring us out of this funk that we're in. Part of me would still like to stay - the memories here are bitter-sweet. They say changes come in three's...perhaps a move might be the kind of change we need right now.
There's still plenty to do before we can move. There are several rooms still not tiled yet, and we want to finish that before we go. Regardless of whether we get any of our deposit back, we still don't want to leave this place incomplete. We're leaving our mark on this place for all the happy memories it's given us.
Until next time...
- Angel
It's been taking me longer than usual to fall asleep at night. My thoughts make me sad, and keep me awake. Once I do fall asleep, I tend to have fitfull dreams and sleep much longer than I need to. This is not uncommon for me when I am depressed, but it doesn't seem to help me at all. Nick falls asleep an hour or two before I do (though we lay down at the same time), and he wakes up a couple hours before I do. I miss out on spending time with him because I'm in my depression coma. I don't enjoy hibernating as much as it would appear I do, but I can't seem to break the cycle. Perhaps tonight/this morning will change things. Nick went to bed 5 hours ago, and I'm still awake. I may stay up through until tonight (after work)...I'm not sure. It's 6:40am and I'm still not sleepy.
It took us nearly three weeks to remove their food and water bowls from their usual spot on the kitchen floor. They sat there as a reminder, with the same amount of food and water as the last time we'd filled them. I had gathered up Midnight & Bastian's favorite things and put them in a memory box with their names and the dates of their deaths written inside the lid. And I have yet to mop the floors...there are still some dull spots on the tile where Bastian had marked his territory, and there will always been Midnight hair in every nook and crany of this place. The couch, which was more theirs than ours, remains in the living room. We plan on getting a new couch soon.
Without Midnight & Bastian, our 2-bedroom duplext seems big and empty. Initially, I wanted to stay here as long as we could because it reminded me of the pups (I craved continuity after our sudden loss)...but the more Nick and I talk about it, the more we realize we got this place specifically so we could have Midnight & Bastian live with us, and without them it doesn't seem right to stay. The neighborhood has gone down-hill significantly since we moved in, and maybe a change would help bring us out of this funk that we're in. Part of me would still like to stay - the memories here are bitter-sweet. They say changes come in three's...perhaps a move might be the kind of change we need right now.
There's still plenty to do before we can move. There are several rooms still not tiled yet, and we want to finish that before we go. Regardless of whether we get any of our deposit back, we still don't want to leave this place incomplete. We're leaving our mark on this place for all the happy memories it's given us.
Until next time...
- Angel
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