Making Some Changes...

Nick and I decided to make some changes. We'd been feeling very stagnant since the pups died, and our living conditions had become less than desirable. The feng shui of the place was way off balance, and we needed to rearrange a few things.

It all kinda started after Nick had set up an appointment for our internet provider to make a house-call to see why we hadn't gotten the upgrade we had ordered (and had been paying for). Since we were set up wirelessly, we had our computers far from the router...but seeing as how they (the internet provider) frown upon 3rd party wireless routers, we had to plug in. That could have been done one of two ways...either try to run cable through the crawl space above the ceiling, or relocate our computers closer to the router. We'd been planning on changing some things up, 'round here, for a while now...and so we decided to relocate our computers.

This was a great idea. Not only did we get most of the place cleaned up in the process, but I also learned how to hook up my own computer. Yay! It may sound trivial, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I cleaned everything off, including the cables, and set everything back up in it's new located with little-to-no assistance from Nick. It's just a little thing, but I felt very accomplished.

We're both done with the set up of our new computer/desk locations, but we've still got some trash to throw away and another section of the floor to sweep and mop. Once it's all said and done, our place will look more "human". We're very glad we decided to do this. Our next project will be tackling the kitchen and/or cleaning up and tiling the master bedroom. Woot! We're reclaiming our duplex one room at a time!

Until next time...

- Angel

Life Interrupted...

Since Midnight & Bastian died I have come to dread those moments in the night when I am left alone with only my thoughts to keep me company. Over the past few weeks, during work or time spent with Nick, I have noticed that I'm slowly regaining my personality, sense of humor and attitude toward daily activities...but at night, before sleep comes, all I can think about are the pups. Initially, I feared I wasn't a good mommy to the pups - then I began relive the horror and sadness that came with taking both Midnight & Bastian to the vet for the last time.

It's been taking me longer than usual to fall asleep at night. My thoughts make me sad, and keep me awake. Once I do fall asleep, I tend to have fitfull dreams and sleep much longer than I need to. This is not uncommon for me when I am depressed, but it doesn't seem to help me at all. Nick falls asleep an hour or two before I do (though we lay down at the same time), and he wakes up a couple hours before I do. I miss out on spending time with him because I'm in my depression coma. I don't enjoy hibernating as much as it would appear I do, but I can't seem to break the cycle. Perhaps tonight/this morning will change things. Nick went to bed 5 hours ago, and I'm still awake. I may stay up through until tonight (after work)...I'm not sure. It's 6:40am and I'm still not sleepy.

It took us nearly three weeks to remove their food and water bowls from their usual spot on the kitchen floor. They sat there as a reminder, with the same amount of food and water as the last time we'd filled them. I had gathered up Midnight & Bastian's favorite things and put them in a memory box with their names and the dates of their deaths written inside the lid. And I have yet to mop the floors...there are still some dull spots on the tile where Bastian had marked his territory, and there will always been Midnight hair in every nook and crany of this place. The couch, which was more theirs than ours, remains in the living room. We plan on getting a new couch soon.

Without Midnight & Bastian, our 2-bedroom duplext seems big and empty. Initially, I wanted to stay here as long as we could because it reminded me of the pups (I craved continuity after our sudden loss)...but the more Nick and I talk about it, the more we realize we got this place specifically so we could have Midnight & Bastian live with us, and without them it doesn't seem right to stay. The neighborhood has gone down-hill significantly since we moved in, and maybe a change would help bring us out of this funk that we're in. Part of me would still like to stay - the memories here are bitter-sweet. They say changes come in three's...perhaps a move might be the kind of change we need right now.

There's still plenty to do before we can move. There are several rooms still not tiled yet, and we want to finish that before we go. Regardless of whether we get any of our deposit back, we still don't want to leave this place incomplete. We're leaving our mark on this place for all the happy memories it's given us.

Until next time...
- Angel

Broken Hearted...

Our beloved Black Lab, Midnight (aka: Minnite-Minnite, Puppy Butt, Baby Girl, Mama's Girl, Squishy Face) passed away last night. She had been deeply saddened by the death of her brother and friend, Bastian, and had stopped taking care of herself. I thought she would break through her depression, I never questioned her behavior...especially since she had never been separated from Bastian for more than an hour in her entire life. Midnight seemed to mirror my pain, and I couldn't fault her for it.

I had gone to work for 1/2 a day, yesterday, though I was worried about Midnight. I really believed she would just need some time to mourn Bastian. I came home after lunch yesterday to check on her...I wanted to lay down with Midnight and take a long cuddle nap with her to make us both feel better. When I got home she looked like she was feeling much worse, and so I contacted the vet. The vet recommended I bring her in so they could give her fluids..."she should be okay" the vet said. I tried to get Midnight to get up and walk, but she didn't want to. I called Nick and asked him to come help me, and he left work immediately. The moment Nick got home we scooped up Midnight in a blanket and took her to the vet.

Midnight began groaning just before we got to the vet and I kept assuring her we were almost there. Nick carried her (like a baby) inside and she kept groaning. One of the vets took her back immediately while Nick and I filled out the paperwork. They had said it would be expensive to give her the IV fluids and I agreed to pay - then shortly afterward they had come out telling us she had "coded" and wanted to know if we wanted them to perform CPR...I said yes and immediately crumpled to the floor crying.

One of the assistants escorted us to a private room where we waited to find out how Midnight was doing. I called my mom, hysterical...then the vet came in and said she never got a heart-beat and that Midnight wasn't responding to CPR. I asked them to stop CPR (they had been working on her for about 5 minutes at this point). The vet left the room and I called my mom again, hysterical. The vet came back in and asked me how I wanted Midnight's remains taken care of...she then said we could go back and see Midnight's body if we wanted to. We waited a while until I had calmed down a bit, but as soon as I saw Midnight's body laying on that table I lost it again. I said my good byes and asked her to forgive me (if there was anything I could have done to keep this from happening), and I told her I would always love her. Nick and I went back to our private room where I gave the receptionist my credit card to pay for the bill...Nick and I were in shock. As we left the vet everyone in the waiting room expressed their sympathy for our loss...I had almost forgotten Midnight's leash and collar, but I went back in to get it. Nick and I drove home in almost complete silence.

The circumstances of Midnight's death may seem fishy to some people, and even the vet offered to perform an autopsy, but I didn't want them to do anything else to her. I want to think that Midnight just wanted to be with Bastian, and so she gave up. Mom says Midnight waited to see me again (when I got home) before dying...one last tail wag before she left me. I hurt but I'm numb, I'm trying not to wonder if there was anything I could have done or done wrong. I was the best mommy I could have been to both Midnight and Bastian. They were like my kids I will always mourn them...and I will always miss them...and I will always love them.

- Angel

4 On The Floor...

Our beloved yorkie, Sabastian (aka: Bastian, Pee-pee Dog, Sir Bastard, Big Guy, Little Guy, Cuddle Butt) was put to sleep today.

Bastian had been exhibiting some strange symptoms since last night, which only got worse by morning. I immediately took him to the vet to find out what was wrong, and the vet told me his problems were neurological in nature. (Which could've been caused by anything from cancer, infection, trauma, etc...he wasn't sure.) The vet said they could run some tests and send us to a specialist, but he could not assure us that there really was anything we could do to make Bastian better.

Of course right now I'm going over all the things I think I could have/should have done to prevent this (or at least made his last days here as enjoyable and full of cuddles and kisses as possible). I'm thinking over Bastian's life trying to assure myself I was a good mommy. I understand this is all ridiculous to dwell on...I did the best I could, I know this, and I know Bastian was a happy pup since the day we brought him home.

There's so much I want to say right now but I can't put the words together correctly. I will try to write more once things settle down a bit. Bastian's illness, and subsequent death, came as quite a shock to me and Nick and we're both just trying to deal with it in our own ways.

Bastian will never be forgotten and he will always be missed and loved.

- Angel

"Tammi"

Wednesday, June 13th, Nick and I bought a new-to-us vehicle. We got a 2001 KIA Sportage we lovingly refer to as "Tammi"...'cause she's "Cheap & Easy to drive". Hee-hee! I posted two pictures of me and Tammi in my photos.

She may be small but she's got a lot of spunk! She was very well taken care of by her previous owner...interior and engine are almost rediculously clean. She's had her share of bumps and such, but what 6yr-old car hasn't. The more we drive her the more we like her!

Until next time...
- Angel

Countdown...

For the past two years Nick's brother Neil has lived with us. He's been a reliable roommate and since he moved in with us, Neil and I have become closer as friends. We probably know more about each other than we want to know - but that's okay.

Anyway, in a week's time Neil will be moving into his very first apartment (on his own). He's pretty psyched and I'm sure a little nervous, but I've got no doubts he'll do great. He'll have complete privacy for probably the first time in his life (coming from a big family and all), and he'll be able to do what he wants when he wants. I'm very happy for him!

Congratulations Neil!

Until next time...
- Angel

Busy Weekend...

It's a good thing this week is going to be really short, 'cause I've got a busy weekend ahead of me. Our employers gave us Monday off for Memorial Day, and I'm taking Friday off so I can make the most of my up-coming weekend. I'll only be working three days this week. WooHoo!

My boyfriend, Nick, also has a busy weekend and a three-day work week ahead of him (we work for the same company). His weekend plans are different from mine, but I'm sure we'll both have a blast despite not spending this weekend together.

I'll be attending the 2007 R.O.T. Bike Rally here in Austin, and Nick will be attending the 2007 A-Kon anime convention in Dallas. Both events are family related...my folks go to R.O.T. almost every year, and Nick's dad & brothers go to A-Kon every year. Last year I accompanied Nick and his brothers to A-Kon, and the year before that Nick accompanied me and my parents to R.O.T. He has more fun at A-Kon & I have more fun at R.O.T., so it works out well when we both get to go to the event we favor.

Until next time...
- Angel

Monkey Business...

Hello, and welcome to my latest blog.

There was a time in my life when posting blog entries was as easy as pie. I wrote about anything and everything. It was a great way to document/express/explore and understand what was going on in my life at any given time. Until my blogging turned into bitching (almost entirely about a previous job of mine), and every entry was about the same old annoyances I'd been dealing with for what felt like forever. People stopped reading my blog because it became "Same Shit - Different Day".

It's been almost a year since I left that job. It's been almost a year since the last time I blogged on a regular basis. I almost don't know what to write about anymore. In the past year I've found a much more laid-back job, I've made a few new friends, and I've reconnected with some old ones (just in time for my up-coming 10-year high school reunion). So, I figured now would be a good time to get back into blogging on a regular basis. I may not post every day, but I'll be sure to post whenever I've got something worth writing about.

Until next time.
- Angel